You would think that with a blog that I would be able to come up with things to write occasional  Well I do, but then I delete them or deem them too personal to expose to the world just yet. it’s more of this personal sounding board that I use to organize these “superball” thoughts that bounce around my head.  Regardless, here I am at work writing personally about my budding apathy on things.  it’s not like it’s anything new, if you know anything about me you know I walk a fine line between apathetic ass and heart on sleeve romantic.  

 The past few days I have had that old feeling that my tolerance for anything or anyone has diminished exponentially. I close my eyes and see a cloud of black and white enveloping all that is around me and things going pleasurably silent and then deliciously dark.  It’s not the apocalyptic end that you may think, but just a diminishing of the noise of life….a culling of the herd.  Being of a “logical” mind I do my best to postulate and analyze this mentality. But in the end I come to the conclusion that it’s just the weight of life…and at some point it will pass.   

 Depressions. This is a fun label.  Yes…I have depression issues….and if you are human and you don’t have some depression issues….you are 1. a liar…and 2. a bad liar.   We are so quick to put this label  the problem, but not really see what the cause is.  We spend billions on prognosis and treatment….potions and elixirs…pills and injections.   All in hopes that we can escape or be returned to “normal”….”standard operating procedure” for a bit.  

As an only child, i tend to keep my shortcomings to myself. God knows that my deserved title of “king” would lose his crown if I displayed any form of weakness. By God, my own ego could not comprehend it!  But…here I am.  I think we all have our own personal depression…that shadow that becomes longer and more ominous as our self doubt and disappointment feed it into an full blow malady.  My personal experience is as follows, and I’m sure there is some egghead out there quickly to use some medical-psycho-Rosetta stone to  diagnose me down to a pulp.

–my life feels veiled. Each day is like looking through a pane of old “barn glass” . A thick wavy barrier that I can see images and objects, but I can never interact with them.  Sometimes I can find a crack or a hole…but it’s a self repairing entity.  Behind that wall is me…alone…solitary.  On the other side….life.    Some days the wall is thinner… some days thicker.  I believe it’s sentient….but only attuned to my…it is sorta like a keeper and a protector of sorts.  And yes..I know this my own creation…it’s a coping mechanism. 

Speaking of holes….heres the other side.  I call it “the hole” or “the Whole”.   Cause it’s the yang to the “walls” ying. The hole is that of fulfillment, contentment,accomplishment and what ever other words that are relatively close to satisfaction.  The problem being is that…the hole is bottomless.  So even thought you can stuff it full for few hours…it slowly empties it’self and returns to the world of “suck” with a hunger and vengeance. This works out to be a very slippery slope for me and has really cost me time, money and romantic relationships.   It has helped me develop very selfish habits and emptied my wallet on more than one occasion.  So the resounding question is “how”?    I like stuff….or things…or toys…or …well stuff.   Can I always afford this “stuff”….yes and no…but I continually try to force it down the hole…each time getting a quick snort of contentment…and then the lull that comes after the high is over.  You are gonna tell me about resisting temptation arent you? Or to change habits…well it’s not that easy bub. 

So…now I sit there out there for you to read…not really understand the nuts and bolts of it. I guess a blog is sorta “user interpreted” regardless of your intent.   Right now…I’m just trying to keep my head about water….smiile and try to believe that there is a sun beyond the clouds