If you are reading this then you are willingly accepting the terms use.  Those terms are to be outlined as we continue and may change to fit this writers narrative at anytime.  For the most part this ride is safe and secure but I will have to warn you the writer may be offending at times….charming at the other.. so know there is some adventure…and fuck you if you cant take a joke.

All of us deal with fear. That achy thing that lives in the lining of our stomach. It twists and contacts in such a way that we end up in this fight or flight lizard brain response.  That’ts the physical manifestation of fear….that “scared the shit out of me” reaction that we watch YouTube videos about….  I wont lie..I’m a “Scarecam” junkie at times.    Being scared and having fear are very close cousins…but they are possibly the most raw emotion….when you get “scared” it’s because “fear” manifests.  All the other emotions–possibly excluding anger—is this paint we wear.  We can coat ourselves in happy—sad–a plethora of emojis…. but have you really looked at them… there really isnt a good scared?!?  It’s like surprised emoji and this dual job it was never really good at.   Anyways… less scared talk….more fear.

So  I think I can count on one hand how many close friends I have.  Out of those 4 digits ( and a thumb)  I think I’m in contact with maybe one or two every few months.   Seriously.  As I write this I am sitting in a bar tapping away not waiting on anyone or expecting anyone to join me… cause I’m a loner….and I was good at it for a long long time.  This is where you, the reader, chime in….Thats not true, Chris… you have tons of friends and people who care about you…I see your facebook posts and the likes you get.   But ask yourself.   Ever been to my house?  What do you really know about me…..the man…the legend. ( Buddha I apologize for my ego)   The truth is…I know alot of people casually and I’m extremely OK with that.  I’m an introvert that enjoys bars….I like sin. I like seeing the game .  But I’ve reached a point to where things are predictable…moreso I’ve become cynical and overly judgmental.  At almost 44 I feel that I’v sorta reached some upper level of unfuckwithable…but I have some weak points in that armor that are my kryptonite….the Delilah to my Sampson….I get fuckwithable.

How does this relate to fear?  Well its a 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon thing.  I keep most people out.  I dont get attached too quick at all because I know that I’m not an easy person to handle somedays.  I am an only child which makes me stubborn and expecting.  I refuse to lose, which means I need to have the last word.  And I dont fight for points…so I’ll fight dirty.  BUT…my redeeming quality is that once you get past all that…I’m sincere, loyal, and smart.   But thats the rub…once your in and then you leave….and I’m talking about females…. my heart goes black.   It goes into fight/flight.     Problem being is that I fight so hard if I believe in the person that I push them away….cause I’ve got to win… it’s not a fix you…it’s to show them that I’m willing to work on it.   Now mind you… because of all the shit listed above…. me being an introvert–all the associated shit with it I had no clue the person was unhappy.   That is the breaks right there…. to be oblivious to your partners widening distance; their slow removal from that us that just leaves u.   So you go into repair mode and try your damnedest to connect…..so much so that you force it….. you go from to forgiveness to anger to acceptance.  The rage that lives within…. it’s unimaginable.  But after all the anger, hate, loneliness,  self doubt, and loathing.    Fear.     I fear losing her.  Losing her to time and the bullshit out there.  Losing that friend and the person I put all that stuff away for.   And when she was gone….the fear had me punching walls…. calling people names and looking for fights.

That was then.  This is now.

I find myself sitting here looking at a glass of 100 proof.  Knowing I’m just a fun stupid bastard when I get to the bottom of the second glass. But fear is always there…a scared little boy sometimes that wears the face of a 44 year old man.  Many of you are going to say it’s “mommy issues” and that is farthest from the truth.  My issue is that of trust and overthinking.  One of content ignorance. One of stalled dreams and paused promises.   And I fear thats who I am, who I’ve become.  I fear now that now the “fuckwithable” parts of me has truly found it’s remedy and become ” unfuckwithable”.   I don’t feel that need to care anymore…a self-imposed embargo on emotion.    I don’t know the way how many of you feel… I dont have kids and I dont have the greatest relationship with my family….. so you all seem to be these enigmas to me.   I feel like the person standing still at Grand Central Station….where you all move like fluid around me with lives and timelines I will never know….fear lives in that moment too.

So there it is.  Life in print.  The conversations of the bar becoming louder as the jukebox starts singing it’s praises.   My glass enters it’s second tour of duty and I know at some point I will go off on a tangent.  Just thought that I could get some of this slag off my soul. Fear is more like a lover….one that scares you because you care and reminds you of how weak we are behind the strongest armor.   I feel for you on those walking the same path…