So this is something I really sort of joke about.  Cause I seem to handle anything of any seriousness with a touch of comedy…cause it dulls the sharp edges.. and whats the use in being so serious?

I am depression.

There…insert drum roll.   That high-hat ring and base drum thump.

Pretty anti-climatic.

Cause it seems to be the “go to” thing for anyone who is having problems… same thing with anxiety or ADHD..or what every psycho-combo happy meal we decide to throw together.  If you know me… you know what this shits about and how I deal with it… the booze…the craziness at times… the late night pontifications.  Half the stuff I write ends up in some digital locker on wordpress…it’s tentacles not allowed to touch the “publish” button for fear of….. you.    But the gospel must be written…or so I’ve read somewhere.

So lets get to the meat of this…the quick that reminds you it’s there.  There is some symbolism in “the fall”… cause it’s the time of my decent.   So lets give it a rough timeline so you can relate….

Mid to late August…..

I notice that weight in the air…the smallest differences in the day regarding daylight exposure.  I notice the traitors. Those weakest of the flora and fauna that turn into red and yellow warning flags of what is to come.  Even as I try to armor myself… telling myself that lie…”this year it will be different”…. I can feel it slip itself into my brain-pan.   And this is how it goes.

” soon. Soon fucker.  Soon this shit will all be dead and dying… these days are gonna get shorter and your life is gonna get more expensive.  Oh… that Arizona idea… well you gotta fix that bathroom… oh..and what about those dogs you committed to life for…   good luck getting a place to live with 5 dogs… and what bout your’ shit, you fool.   You got a whole machine shop in that barn… how you gonna move that, genius?   Your fucking in your 40’s now.. you are losing time and what the hell you think you are gonna do?   Oh…that bike shop you wanted to build… Motherfucker you got bikes in your garage that you cant even finish for yourself…Your a biker without a running bike— thats fucking irony.   Oh.. your gonna work on them this winter? haha.. year right…  You cant stand that winter.. it takes you 2 hours to warm that shop up… and by then it will be so dark and cold you will just go back to the house… pour yourself a drink and sit and think….tomorrow… tomorrow I will work on that. ”

That shit starts late August…..and true to nature, I mention it to someone…cause who doesn’t like to commiserate right?  Well that shit is a divine edges sword cause those of us who live this shit wear every kind of mask you have ever seen.  And as you sit there and tell me about ” medications” …” exercise” ….”tanning beds”…..”yoga”….” nutritional supplements and diet”……   I sit behind that mask and want pluck your god damn eyes out your fucking head and give you a first hand look at my life during “the fall”

But I dont.   I just nod my head.  I say thank you… I understand you care…. blah blah blah.. socially accepted responses…blah blah blah… “Oh, really?  I will look into that… I didn’t know herbal cheesewhiz peanut butter jalapeno cactus enemas where good for depression”    Cause thats what it sounds like.

So lets move on to September and October…cause these two run into one another… like a build up and then a massive let down.

September comes on with the first true cool days of the impending fall. I love the summer nights… I enjoy the heat…the sounds…the potential.    The open door to the deck where a myriad of life sings to me about creation… of that chase of reproduction…the hunt of the bounty.  Ya know what September brings? …. fat fucking crickets and some all too friendly wasps..and you basic bitches… you start milking that pumpkin spice cow way too fucking soon and I hope you get the shits.  But wait… that voice… still here…louder now.

“hehe.. told you… hows that self empowerment now?  Taxes are due soon…food or taxes?hmmm… what ya gonna do there, Goliath? What happened to all that shit you wanted to get accomplished this summer? Dont see the front landscaping done….just gonna wait til next year, huh? haha..year right.  Leaves are starting to drop…gonna haul your ass out and keep up on them this year or just let them drop and deal with all that fuckery in the spring.   Gonna get cold soon…. gotta fill that pig. Ya know a real man would have this shit handled.  Where in the fuck do you spend your money…. Are you ever gonna finish the upstairs?  Dogs need to go to the vet… a good dog father would have that handled…guess you aren’t their “savior” are you.  Ya know what… why not just take a nap.. Cant sleep?  I’m too loud? Well why not get that bottle you love so much, big baby?  Yukon Jack always makes it easier… your funny then… people like you….you can sleep…and I get quiet for a time. ”     Yeah that is roughly where I’m at right now…  So lets hit a side bar cause it gives you, my reader, a perspective.

If you have never read and C. S Lewis… give him a shot.   I read the Screwtape letters when I was younger… so that voice that comes to me at these times is very reminiscent of Screwtape dictating to his nephew Wormwood.   There is this odd mentor/student thing… I know that voice in my head wants me to beat this shit… but his way of “helping” is paramount to swinging a sledge hammer in a bullet factory.   At somepoint something is gonna go off with unintended repercussions.

So lets slide down into October because, on stop as we “fall”… we had one night of absolute joy.

I’ve always appreciated the macabre.   As I write this I am looking at versions of skulls… antiheros …and sublime oddities.  It’s my office… and where I spend alot of time during “the fall”.   So it would make sense that Halloween is my P.O.C.     What is the P.O.C?   Its the self imposed Point of Cutoff.   I invented this namesake when I worked out west.  There was this point where radio signals sorta fell off once out went over this ridge in the Uinta Mountains.   You were… alone.     A mile away and a good upward climb would establish communications again…but for that period of 5280 feet… you were a ghost.    After Halloween….I enter that for the next 3 months.   Dont beleive me? check my writing history…I fade.   Not because there is nothing to write about… it’s cause I’m fighting myself and trying to save my liver from a constant flow of libation and damnation.

October…

”  Hey, fucko!  Ya know it gets dark at 6 now right? … You gonna dress up this year? When was the last time you dressed up? …like 98?    You’re too “badass” now arent you?   Well at least your somewhat festive.   This moping around the house shit has taking a toll and you know what happens during November… The fall is almost complete and that heavy stone rolls onto your back and we begin that path.    No wonder all your relationships ended in the winter… cause you are an absolute fuck to be around.  What…that Arizona thing again? You are NEVER gonna get there…What have you done to get ready?  oh that motorcycle you bought?   haha… just another link in that chain that you keep building…connected to that anchor of a house.   You know there is a way out of this… but we will talk about that again in February… just like we did last year…and the year before…tick tock….     What? Different this year? Who are you kidding… Just go out and smoke your cigars… tip your whisky and pretend to be that big bad ass… but we both know who you are.   Your demons are my demons…. but the difference between us is that… your demons are my friends. ”

ohhhhhhweeeeefffffff……. That is what a cigar sounds like you exhale after writing the above passage.  Cause for all it’s accuracies it doesn’t even come close to describing the actual events in ones own psyche.  As a writer…ha…attempted writer…you want to bring the reader close…but fuck if I have any idea how to do that.  As far as I know…if you made it this far… this is just some ammunition for a bad fucking meme about self deprecation and facebook attention.   Cause all too often thats how it end up.  I post what I write as a link …..not as a flag.   You read this… you are free to comment as you wish cause the way I feel… each one of us will be gone one day… and this is what I go thru…what I went thru… and I’m still here… and if one of use outcast dead can find a light in it… well fuck you , screwtape.

So November is a  hardening of the soul….   and I dont know if I’m ready to dig into it.  I’m not ” feeling” it yet and I really dont want to summon it before it’s time.   It’s like seeing Christmas decoration out before December…..you get a little bewildered and sickened.  November are the  the first 2 of the 4 hardest.  But the first 2 deal with family and friends.  That ending of the year and what it means to family and what not… and I’m not ready to go there.   I hope your not disappointed ..oh wait…dont really care.  haha.