Another scribble in the brochure of my life… hoping to drum up some tourist to come visit my mind. Step right up… step right up. A penny a thought… guaranteed not to disappoint. Step right up.
I turned 46 a few weeks ago…. and in the time since I have lost a friend, quit a relationship, and embraced may apathy for just about 99 percent of existence. It’s quite liberating if you really want to know the truth. I literally walk around chanting this mantra ” Fuck em’…. oh…a little fuck em’ over there…. didn’t use your turn signal… fuck you….” I’m dishing it out like a fat kid at the self serve ice cream station at Ponderosa with all the sprinkles. Cause why? Cause why not? Do I need a purpose? Are you concerned about my mental stability if I don’t have this critical issue that has lead me to the conclusion that we are so genuinely fucked that no matter what I do… outside of killing someone ….. would change anything in this country… let alone this planet? Nope… I’m sane as WebMD says I can be. I passed the sane test… so I must have the upper hand in this game of dopes.
Our species is the supposed to be the most intelligent life on our planet. We rule this mud ball… but here we are acting like the cast of Star Trek fucked all the My Little Ponies as the Care Bears looked on in judgement. You cant say anything without going through the ringer o f political correctness and virtue/cancel culture. You can’t have an opinion without the fear of groupthink judgement. Your radical idea is good as long as it follows the narrative of my radical idea… but to really delve into the reasons behind the issues becomes moot because we are more concerned with sensationalism and playground politics and how many shares and likes on twitter and Facebook.
Point in case. Lets talk about this ” look at me I got my vaccine” bullshit. I’m all for vaccines. You will never know if I got one or not. Why… cause it’s my personal choice, and I don’t need to be a part of your Orwellian virtual-signaling ” Look at me..I’m now part of the correct people … trust the science…. ” blah blah blah. All you want is someone to know that you did your part to combat the Covid. Sitting there with your little card like you got some special privilege …not only once… but twice. Look.. good for you… you did your part… heres a cookie and naptime is at 1.
Personally, I was sorta hoping for more. Zombies… tears in the fabric of space-time….Hell, isn’t about time for aliens to show up… I’m talking the lizard people, pleiadians, the grays…. you know… the anal probe dudes? It’s shit like this that makes me sit down, cut the end off a fat stogie and pour 3×2 fingers of scotch into a glass and utter ” What in the ever living fuck?” and then to proceed douse any ambition inside with a salvo of nicotine and alcohol.
I did a few things in the past 6 months… I took a solo canoe trip down the Au Sable river here in Michigan.. it was 3 nights/4 days of solitary bliss. it rained 3 of the 4 days… but ” The Lucky Bastard” rode the current from Grayling to Mio with all roguish charms of a pirate ship. I plan on doing a couple more trips this summer… The Manistee and maybe the Muskegon river. I cannot tell you the peace it brings me being carried along on those cold currents with so many possibilities around each corner. My only wish is that there was a good bar and cigar lounge intermittently placed along the route for restocking and a cheese burger.
I lost my friend James to a sudden blood clot. I don’t feel the need to go into it further but his loss will be felt in my core group of friends for the rest of our lives. Farwell, Bones… I hope you meet up with Matt at the gates of Valhalla and await the rest of us when we are called.
It’s difficult to speak about my relationship that I ended because there was nothing wrong with it. My person did nothing wrong, did nothing to drive me away, and it wasn’t because I didn’t feel a connection… a deep connection with her. It was because I know who I am…and I eventually would disappoint her… and in that time afterword we would both come to resent each other and ultimately turn away. The words ” know thine self” comes to mind saying those last sentences. I am a selfish man and I can’t turn away from how I’m wired. I’ve tried and I end up loathing myself and the connection I have… ultimately becoming dark and brooding.
You aren’t supposed to admit things like this about yourself. Why not? Is that why for years I keep pushing things down because I feel like I’m supposed to fill some kind of emotional checklist to be “OK”. So there are no red flags or warning lights. I was single for two years and I felt something for someone…but I realized before it got too serious… before years were in the rear view…. to stop it. For that…I gladly take my lumps as an asshole. I did waste her time…and mine too. But you don’t get to back to being 22 and say ” hey, I like hanging out and getting naked with you, but I’m gonna go do guy stuff now for a few weeks” Women sorta take offence to that I’ve heard. So I’m gonna stay single…I’m going to realize…that at 46 it’s better to fly solo….. like the canoe on the river…. than to waste someone else time and break their heart because I cant grow up.
So here I am…. chasing windmills…. galloping toward some challenge that I’ve made up in my mind to be worthy of my time— all the while… life goes on- I’m very aware what I am missing…but I am resolute all the same. I don’t feel anything except the challenge of dealing with those that clog up my world with their existence…
Perhaps the next time you look down the river you may see me… paddling away… hoping to get away from anything of substance…. for it’s all a joke with old age as being the punchline.
Paddle on , Sancho…. Paddle on…
Dirty White Walls 
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