So… I took a hiatus.   Writing is not something I do to fill pages of copious drivel.   I know who I am and what I’m about… and sometimes it takes awhile for me to actually fill my “ships hold” with thoughts and observations that actually have substance.   Sure…I read blogs from people that basically squirt out pages of thought comparable eating McDonald’s for a week. So…whats in the hallowed halls of my mental sanctuary?   Over the past year I’ve been employed full time and immersed myself in corporate dronary. ( yes,  I made this word up).   I have my cubicle and my assigned tasks and my weekly paycheck.  Yay me!  I listen to conversations from fellow coworkers about life, love, and the pursuit of happiness ( which equates to home purchases, weddings, and family functions).    As I have said in the past–Humans are the smartest beings on this planet and for the past 1000 some odd years we do nothing more than have pissing contest around water coolers to see who has more useless shit.   I don’t know what makes us feel that this is an important endeavor,  I could give a shit less what new truck you buy… My 94 Toyota pickup cost me 500 bucks..so when the phallic-wagging 60000 dollar diesel “rolling coal” crew comes in…I have to hand my head and remember my “water cooler” comment from above.

I was thinking earlier today , after my usually barrage of friends facebooks posts telling me the Auchwitzinnian designs that Donald Trump has for Muslims and Illegal immigrants that were contrasted by others from the right wing informing me about  Hillary’s collective 1984 mind crimes testimonials…..I finally had enough.  So, for those of you who know me in person it shouldn’t come as a surprise when I say… Are you Fucking Serious?

Here is a little primer for anyone deciding to back any presidential candidate.

Follow Closely—–>   THEY ARE ALL LYING TO YOU. ALL OF THEM.                                                                         EVERY SINGLE LAST ONE.

Hope the reality of that didn’t hurt too much. All of those bowing at your Bernie Sanders alters and your Trump monoliths wont probably bat and eye…but that the truth.   The reality is that it’s all manipulation and bait/switch.   You can stand there and blame Bush….demonize Obama…. Right did this….Left wants that… blah blah blah.  It’s a big sham and we, the people of this United States of America, drink it in on 6×3 inch screens we needlessly carry around with us.   Ya know that 20 years ago a person would actually have to seek out the news….inform themselves and make decisions.  Now it’s pre-packaged drama snacks that we choke down with a Kardashian latte.  Yeah…it’s that bad people…and I really dont see a remedy for it.

With the invention of “safe spaces” and aggressive condemnation of “white privilege”, “black lives matter” “Save the whales” ” Free Mandela” “Hell no we wont go”…oh… wait… got off track there.   So before anyone starts to “check my privilege” let me get it all out there so you have a nice big target.   I’m a white, 40 year old male—and…I’m not ashamed.  Sorry..don’t feel bad at all for who I am.   In the past this same conversation has come up and after stating the exactly what I did above… my very white, twenty-something , female friend— with a look of disappointment in her eye muttered—- ” And that’s the problem”

Well shit on me… I’m sorry.  I’m sorry, I’m sorry.  I’m sorry for how things turned out on this planet.  You know my Irish/Native American ancestors and their large plantation—oops… hold on… I apologize for my apology on the basis that your premise is BULLSHIT.   Look.. do we have some serious socio-racial issues in this country?  Hell yes… Do we have some of the goofiest political ass clowns to every decide to take up the race… Affirmative Ghost-rider.

The reality of it all…is that most of the time…the truth is offensive.  It burns away the glossiness of whatever hype or propaganda we are being dealt.    And people have an extremely hard time dealing with that…they dont want to hear that they are not special…or they dont matter…or their cause is… dumb.    Some days…this shit I say and do…doesn’t matter…I know and understand this… I believe all lives matter in the sense of the right of existence… but  I have little empathy for some slighted social aperture because of something that happened before I was born.  I know 40 years of real history….. dont expect me to feel bad about some shitty slave owner in the 1800s and what happened then… not my problem.  It’s my responsibility to make sure it never happens again but not my obligation to coddle a person who feels they are owed.   Like I said above…my empathy can be waning.

So a rant is a rant. I’m sure there is someone out there…shaking their head about how obtuse my viewpoint is and…buy some self-imposed lamaesque superiority they are going tell me how right they are.    The same type of person is running around with a selfie stick trying to get a good Instagram photo of themselves pushing beached whales back into the ocean.  It’s not about the cause it’s about the idea of self importance.  The ” no idiot left behind” mentality.    One day when a “bomb” does go off…and the flash of light and heat burns a nuclear truth across the land…I shit you not… there will be some fuck trumpet there with a selfie stick trying to get that last final shot.   A million years from now when archaeologist sift through the rubble the will find a persons finger bones fused to a stick holding a camera pointing at themselves…in contrast… in Pompeii… people were holding one another…

I think people are afraid of silence anymore.  Without being blasted by 100 different distractions a second people feel cut off.  It’s like we’ve all become so environmentally “thick” that when an absolute moment, and  I mean a moment, of peace and silence come to us….. we frantically search for some kind of diversion that will lead us back to the noise foundry so we can lose any thought of that “bad” place we were just in.    The hum of cooling fans in my computer, the expansion and contraction of the wood frame in my home, the confirmation of a bad seal in my commode…even the little water the seeps past makes a sound finding it’s destination.  My own heart beat, the inhale and exhale of my conscious body.  My dogs.   All of these are part of my environment right now.

I have only experienced that true silence a couple times in my life, the natural mute that must of what the universe was like before creation.  Sweet  is the best adjective I can muster for it.  There are better descriptors, but  then I would be back to complicating something so simple.  One of my previous vocations was working for the forest service in Utah, and there were many times I would spend chilly early spring nights in the backcountry. Silence there is almost perfect…but there are other things that make noise.  I’m not talking about bears , elk, wind, or anything else.   I’m talking about the night sky.  I think we’ve all lost our connection to it.  We live in such a horizontal existence, very rarely looking up above ( unless you live in Russia…I bet you they all look up more now). The night sky in the back country is like shaking a glass globe of silver glitter.   All of those stars and worlds that are bleached out by mans illuminated world come back into view.   So even in that silence of a cold Utah night,  the cosmos would speak volumes…but this was what I wanted to hear.  Language without words or texts…just experience.    I feel that we have become vessels for our own ego. Myself included, but when you look up at that darkness…and realize that our horizontal 2d life has depth…then this 3d image comes to mind of how small we are in the grand scheme of things.   That silence we may have in our environment is crushed by the awe and befuddlement of trying to comprehend our place in the universe.   I would rather have moments like this in my life than be intellectually under siege from the world at large.

My buddy Eric has this dog.  He’s one of those pups that has only a few things on his mind. 1. Where is the Ball?  2. Want to play Ball?  3. Please throw the ball again!     And they pretty much all fall in that order.   Something that Eric said to me really made me think of peoples existence.    “Everyday is the best day of his life”   Seriously, how many people could say that about their life. And here is this pup whos got it all worked out.  Why…cause it’s simple.  It’s not complicated.   It doesn’t involve anything more than being happy.     I always wanted to be hypnotized like in “Office Space”.  Just embrace that attitude that I really really do not give a rats ass about anything other than enjoying my life.

I dunno, I started out with a purpose writing this thing, but perhaps the time….or the pain meds have left me at the wayside once again.  I will leave you with this. Life can be too serious most of the time, and in a campaign to make it easier for the 99 percent out there, they have opted to take the intelligence out and replace it with entertainment.   They try to camouflage it, dress it up, liquor you up and do all they can to get you to believe in it.  The truth is that your mind is the one thing they can never take without your agreement.  See thru all the bullshit, live happy….

You would think that with a blog that I would be able to come up with things to write occasional  Well I do, but then I delete them or deem them too personal to expose to the world just yet. it’s more of this personal sounding board that I use to organize these “superball” thoughts that bounce around my head.  Regardless, here I am at work writing personally about my budding apathy on things.  it’s not like it’s anything new, if you know anything about me you know I walk a fine line between apathetic ass and heart on sleeve romantic.  

 The past few days I have had that old feeling that my tolerance for anything or anyone has diminished exponentially. I close my eyes and see a cloud of black and white enveloping all that is around me and things going pleasurably silent and then deliciously dark.  It’s not the apocalyptic end that you may think, but just a diminishing of the noise of life….a culling of the herd.  Being of a “logical” mind I do my best to postulate and analyze this mentality. But in the end I come to the conclusion that it’s just the weight of life…and at some point it will pass.   

 Depressions. This is a fun label.  Yes…I have depression issues….and if you are human and you don’t have some depression issues….you are 1. a liar…and 2. a bad liar.   We are so quick to put this label  the problem, but not really see what the cause is.  We spend billions on prognosis and treatment….potions and elixirs…pills and injections.   All in hopes that we can escape or be returned to “normal”….”standard operating procedure” for a bit.  

As an only child, i tend to keep my shortcomings to myself. God knows that my deserved title of “king” would lose his crown if I displayed any form of weakness. By God, my own ego could not comprehend it!  But…here I am.  I think we all have our own personal depression…that shadow that becomes longer and more ominous as our self doubt and disappointment feed it into an full blow malady.  My personal experience is as follows, and I’m sure there is some egghead out there quickly to use some medical-psycho-Rosetta stone to  diagnose me down to a pulp.

–my life feels veiled. Each day is like looking through a pane of old “barn glass” . A thick wavy barrier that I can see images and objects, but I can never interact with them.  Sometimes I can find a crack or a hole…but it’s a self repairing entity.  Behind that wall is me…alone…solitary.  On the other side….life.    Some days the wall is thinner… some days thicker.  I believe it’s sentient….but only attuned to my…it is sorta like a keeper and a protector of sorts.  And yes..I know this my own creation…it’s a coping mechanism. 

Speaking of holes….heres the other side.  I call it “the hole” or “the Whole”.   Cause it’s the yang to the “walls” ying. The hole is that of fulfillment, contentment,accomplishment and what ever other words that are relatively close to satisfaction.  The problem being is that…the hole is bottomless.  So even thought you can stuff it full for few hours…it slowly empties it’self and returns to the world of “suck” with a hunger and vengeance. This works out to be a very slippery slope for me and has really cost me time, money and romantic relationships.   It has helped me develop very selfish habits and emptied my wallet on more than one occasion.  So the resounding question is “how”?    I like stuff….or things…or toys…or …well stuff.   Can I always afford this “stuff”….yes and no…but I continually try to force it down the hole…each time getting a quick snort of contentment…and then the lull that comes after the high is over.  You are gonna tell me about resisting temptation arent you? Or to change habits…well it’s not that easy bub. 

So…now I sit there out there for you to read…not really understand the nuts and bolts of it. I guess a blog is sorta “user interpreted” regardless of your intent.   Right now…I’m just trying to keep my head about water….smiile and try to believe that there is a sun beyond the clouds 

I drink too much. Well at least lately and here I am trying to be healthy. I’ve always found that the booze lets me get past that barrier between myself and me.  I guess it’s something like my ID and my Ego doing this little dance and twist.   But last night, sitting down and really watching people I realized something between drink two and four. (and no I’m not a raging alcoholic, I just have a penchant for the skullduggery of life) So as I sit here I’m going to relay to you the method of my madness, the nitty of my gritty, the float under my boat.

We have all been told the great epic battle between that of faith and religion. That of Sin and Virtue. That of Angels and Demons.  There are so many ways to put it…the ying and the yang, the dark and light side of the force.  So I started thinking, and did was spurred on by reading some old C.S Lewis…The Screwtape Letters.  If you havent read them, you might want to take a gander. Just for the hell of it…no pun intended.  So I needed that tangent to go on this one.  The black and white of it comes down to what you really and truly believe. If you want to look deeper into this…have at it, but right now I’m gonna use it to guide my boat on the river of life and embrace my shortcomings,vices and virtues.

The battle in heaven was never really won or lost. The expulsion of Satan from Heaven was more of an agreement between him and the Almighty.  When Satan was “put out” he took certain legions of the flock with him.  God realized that the impending battle would tear the fabric of existence known to all. Angels and Demons are not mortal, but instead somewhere in-between. As long as we have faith…angels will continue to safeguard and defend the gates and sanctity of the Kingdom of God, and on the other side of that coin, as long as there is evil in the world, darkness in the heart of man, there will be the legion of Satan’s horde crawling forth from the depths to pull sinners into the Lake of Fire.   So we got that…… Good and Evil.

Ok. Back to the tangent. Since Satan was Gods right hand man, God realized this was something that could potentially destroy all that he had created and possibly even corrupt his new project Man.  So heres the deal that came out of it, the rub, and the accord that will come to pass.   God approached Lucifer and said…. “You are something I never wanted to understand, that of doubt and darkness. I created you and now you are something I cannot control. But this impending war will end all that I have created and I cannot have that for I am , and forever will be, but as with all things…I must have purpose.    So I will pose this to you. I will give you a chance to show me my folly, and in my new creation I will allow an attempt to corrupt them.  And if can, I will give you a kingdom of your own.  But these are the rules: My creation MAN must commit his decent of his own volition and choice. You can influence and suggest, but cannot directly inspire them to commit SIN. If I win, you will renounce your rebellion and come unto me and be awash in love and purity.   Now to be equal I will send one of my angels to represent my holy temple, he will be able to influence and suggest, but as with my rules, cannot directly inspire them to follow the path of truth. Do we have an accord?”      Lucifer, set before his previous master, thought this.  “A kingdom of my own..with legions to command. To prepare for the end of this miserable lie that is love, to darken the world with the reality of greed. ”  …. following the thought, he looked back into the infinite light that showered down around him. ” I will take your challenge and prove to you the folly of your creation and bestow unto me a kingdom that will reign over their souls after they have wasted away their mortal coil, BUT….lets raise the stakes.  If bestowed my kingdom…for each soul created your manthing with have a shadow….and within that shadow my darkness…my spawn will live..and influence them to their dying day, only ever corrupting them of their own choice”      God, with so much faith in his new creation, agreed…but as with all things….black and white….good and bad….said that if Lucifer was successful that he would bestow an angel to guard the soul of his creation Man, so that a balance could exist.

From here we all know how the story goes.   Blah blah blah..

Man is fallible. We are a walking contradictions of faith and doubt. Of Morality and Vice.   I just told you the above story to give you a primer for what I’m gonna spout off about next.

I believe that each one of us has a little demon….little devil….something that is dark and forboding. We all know it’s there, lurking in our shadow…whispering.  Remeber the saying “scared of his own shadow?” good reasoning for it.  Thats why we get scared in dark places, where that little devil can run around and become this ominous thing that confronts our morals.  The religious will defend themselves with faith, others will demand that logic and science will turn away the flight or fight experience that the darkness brings.  And for his part in “the deal” there is always our personal angel, reassuring us that there is power within us to fend off the whispers of the devil and his words of deciet.

So here I sit, glass of scotch in hand…smoldering cigar sitting in the ashtry next to me…writing to you about what I see. I want to name him….find out his name…. perhaps hes a decendant of Screwtape…or a nephew of Wormwood….both devils of culture in the higher eschelon of the busniess of evil . I ask him now and then.. when the night is dark and I can hear him….plotting and scheming….”whats your name you little shit” ….”Go get me a pizza or something”.  Never a reply.    I hear him though…and I see him…a reflection in the bottom of a glass when the last of it slides down my throat.  I hear him when I buy something I dont really need. I feed him with my sins…we all do.   I think my angel is stupid. I think hes union or something, or perhaps just depressed.   I think he talks to me more than I am willing to listen, and when I do it’s for a fleeting moment of inspiration.  Too often it resounds in my heart as regret that I could of done more in certain situations, or perhaps less.   I’ve never been a “sorta” person….I’m on or off……up or down…….black or white…….good …..evil?  We all have it going on….whos your devil?

Thanks for reading this if you made it this far, I appreciate it, and comments are always welcomed.

Goodnight….and Goodluck

I love the words YES and NO.  They are very absolute. It’s hard to defy the resounding stance of a person who is saying NO…..No means No! haha. But we don’t live in an existence where Yes and No are what they used to be.  Now we have the descriptors of Maybe, Sorta and Ummm.  Maybe it’s because were indecisive or just don’t want to offend, but it lets us participate without responsibility.  Am I guilty of it? YES.  See that wasnt that bad.  Now we all do our little things that gray the line between yes and no…sometimes to prevent conflict, to appease, or even resolve. If you want a prime example of this you need to come to a bar.  I’ve spent many a night writing about the dynamic of the local watering hole. Theres something to be understood about the humbling experience in a bar. At 5 in the afternoon you get to see a collection of people and their entourage that you get lost on the complexity of the gray. If you try to figure out the whos and whats, you end up more confused than anything, the key is to try to bounce from point to point in their conversations because there are subtle hints to the fluidity of them.  Sitting here I’m listening to a conversation about a gent and his new girlfriend…speaking closely and underbreath…while not mentioning that he has another girl on the side.  Thats the Gray.  It may not be the most honest thing a man can do, but there’s no honor among thieves.  And don’t get me wrong…there are women down here doing the same thing. It’s a game of sorts….a gray game.

I guess what my point is here is that we don’t live in a society of the absolute anymore…no more John Waynes or Sterling Haydens.  We  live in a dumbed down existence of grilles for your teeth and Toddlers and Tiaras. We dont have those stoic hardheads of the days of old.  A hardhead is defined as a person that is stubborn and will not concede….but why is that a problem so much?  What does it say about a persons resolve if they stand by something outside of the idea that “we all have to get along”.  I want to bring back the idea that it’s ok to stand behind who you are, and screw the majority for the gray! Seriously…wouldnt it be better if you knew the confines of what you were told…and then decided to go beyond it?   Thats what spawns innovation.  Now that last comment may seem hypocritical, but in all reality it’s not.  Being told Yes or No has inspired people form time before antiquity.  Why? Because they wanted the YES…or defied the NO. There wasnt this …Gray…where they put on facebook how p.o’ed they were but did NOTHING but bitch about it.  See my reasoning?   We all have the ability to be great and inspiring persons…but we must deny that gray and understand whats important in our own development….either that or submit? And I will never ever submit.

We are all creatures of nature.   We are also creature of nurture. So here  we go on the longest going darwinian argument ever…or getting into a pavlovian digression.   We are people with different experiences and lives. I don’t believe for a second that the woman paying 50,000 dollars for a cloned pooch she had for years before is going to be the exact dog other in the physical form.. Why? Well that argument is obvious. Experiences.   The sum of ones life is the experiences we have and endure. Why am I talking about this?  It’s because I had lost touch with the reality that many people live with.  The pain of loving someone who has interpreted their experiences in a different way than we have. We may be from the same ilk, the same genetic code, the same lifestyle..but those interesting little synaptic firings and our processing mechanisms totally make a mishmash of it.   I think the closest one can get, and this is a leap, is in the case of twins.  Perhaps they could process things similarly, but still…they are individuals (unless they are connected like simease which just makes this a really odd convo to have)

So here I am with this big deep intellectual conversation and still…what is my point.  At some point we look at a situation and try to do our best to process what is right and what is wrong. But….it’s what our perception of it is. You can lead the horse to water..yadda yadda yadda.  What I, we, you all have to realize is that we can only protect those who want to be protected. We can only advise when our advice is wanted.  Too many times we find out, that we end up being “the problem” in the persons eyes.  Just ask any rebellious teen about the iron hand of a parent.  No one wants to be the asshole, but sometimes we have to be to keep back the shit.  And to justify that descriptor I am going to elaborate.  The “shit” that I speak of is the stuff we all have gone through and dont want the people we care about to have to experience, of if they must do it…not to get the peanuts and corn of bad shit.

I had the chance to witness this last night. A friend trying to protect someone, and in the end, feeling helpless because all the love and caring they were showing went on deaf ears and a searching heart.  Alcohol is the great equalizer….the great empowerer…. envigorator of the spirit and…the anchor that will take you to the depths of your soul and leave you feeling like death himself just walked over your grave.  So how does the pertain to nature and nurture?  Well…my nature is to be a pretty mellow drinker–lovey dovey almost.  I just want to have some fun…forget about life for a bit…and try not to get the anchor I spoke of earlier.   I tend to hang with the same type of people, easy going…perhaps a little wild at times, but all in good fun.  Each experience nurtures the next, it keeps it…enjoyable. I guess you could say…limited drama.   Then there is the flip side of it…people who find someone else in the bottle. Sorta like that potion that Jekyll and Hyde took. Theres a point where the person changes into something unrecognizable in comparison to the one we know.   I think we all have seen it one way or another.   And thats what I saw last night, and no matter how much pleading and trying…you are not going to change them unless they want to. Until they look inside and see why all that anger and sadness boils over and comes out….usually in this beautiful train wreck mess…. and we are left to pick up the pieces of them.   In the morning come the “sorryies” the ” I was drunks” and the ever popular ” I’m not drinking anymore”.  These I have had, on occasion, to use myself.   But soon enough….the beer flows, the vodka pours, the shots are consumed….and we find ourselves right back where we were…hoping that this time….this is gonna be the time that it doesn’t happen…but as much as we nurture….the nature of the person comes out.

So I say to you….persons who have travelled that path and come out stronger.  Who know the depths of the bottle and the devils and angels that live within. I say to you, know that you can only chastise yourself so much.  The choices of others are, their choices. Their experiences. Their lives.     Until they want to change, until they take responsibility for their actions, it is a losing battle.

We are all searching…looking to fill something inside…the sadness comes when we don’t know what it is, cause we throw everything in that hole within trying to fill it.  The only problem is that we are so desperate to feel loved, wanted, blah blah blah…that we don’t even care if we try to fill it with garbage….and more so…human garbage.

Thats all I got to say…

I’m an ass.

Truly, honestly, and I will sign an affidavit if you need one.

I’m sure others will too.

The one thing I am not … is gonna pretend I’m something that no one believes I am.  It’s like a firebird with a 4 cylinder…cool lines but no muscle under that hood..(I know…my mom had one and it was…embarrasing)

So for those of you who know me,  this isnt my first time doing the blog thing. I was quite a blogger a few years ago.  It’s amazing what can happen between that 33rd and 36th year….good things…bad things.   Anyways…

I am trying to import some of my old blogs…from all places…the Myspace.  Yeah…it’s like having a wart…it’s there you admit it to yourself that you where on MySpace but you want to be on Facebook.  If your reading this you got to me from Facebook, so I’m cool now…dont you judge me.

I have a lot to say….about life…about love…about the personal saga going on between my ears.   I welcome anyones response, I don’t judge…I will debate…but I wont delete comments or fight you.  If I have the honesty to throw out a blog, I can respect your comments…even if I plan revenge after reading them.

So this is the first post in hopefully many.

I have to thank my friend Eric for the Devils’ Cut courage…I thank the corner store for the coke-a-cola…and my dogs for their patience.

Please bookmark….and stay tuned…I may just buy this domain…and then I’ll be really cool….haha.